Las Vegas Part 2

At some point during our first evening in Las Vegas, just a few short hours after we landed, I turned to Shelbi and said "We have to be standing in the most superfluous and unnecessary spot on the entire planet." I can't remember exactly when I said it. It might have been while we were standing outside a Coach store which also bordered the Venetian hotel's indoor canal, complete with singing gondoliers under a surprisingly lifelike artificial sky which made it always appear that it was dusk. There were so many moments similar to that one which just made you stop momentarily and say "Seriously? This is a real place?" I wonder if, for people who live near The Strip in Las Vegas, giving someone directions like "Oh, you just walk by the life-sized Arc de Triomphe until you see the bar with the cage dancers. Then you're going to see a 200-foot mosaic of Donny and Marie Osmond. Take a right past roller coaster and if you reach the volcano you've gone too far" eventually becomes commonplace. With that being said, I would go back in a heartbeat. So, as a means of boring people as little as possible, I'll try and sum up our brief vacation as succinctly as possible.

Gambling Highlights:
People's gambling stories rank just slightly above hearing about people's dreams and their fantasy football teams in terms of how much interest other people have in them so I'll keep these short. My biggest individual win was hitting 4-of-a-kind in video poker and netting a quick $50. I also made $20 on my lone baseball bet of the Yankees beating the Dodgers. Shelbi's highlights include having more faith in my Giants than I did and winning $7 on that game. Another highlight for her would be making it home without having to pawn her wedding ring. Not a strong showing from her.

Gambling Lowlights:
Shelbi and I played most of our blackjack at a small, cheap casino right next to our hotel that was dingy and comfortable. But, on Saturday, while walking The Strip, Shelbi and I stopped into Bill's Casino, which was one of the only places we found that offered $5 minimum bet blackjack during the weekend. The one cheap table was seemingly full as we patiently waiting for two seats to open up. Then we realized only one person at the table was actually betting. Eventually one of the men seated looked over his shoulder at us, asked if we wanted to sit down and, when we nodded, he and four other men got up simultaneously. It was then when I realized what had happened. The dealer was a quick-shuffling Asian woman with a thick accent and a sadistic smile and she had completely demolished an entire bachelor party in less than an hour. They were completely shell-shocked. Broke and, up to that point, physically unable to stand up from their seats. From the amount of money that the one remaining survivor was betting per hand, I wouldn't be surprised if the group lost $1000 cumulatively. I should have known just to walk away then and there. But the trusty Law of Averages told me that, at some point, her luck had to shift somewhat. We were at the table for no more than 12 minutes. In that time I lost $25 and Shelbi was down $35. We couldn't have seen more than 10 hands. Out of those 10 hands, she dealt herself a 20 seven times. She also hit a six-card 21 against my double-down 20. And, while most blackjack dealers at least pretend to be rooting for you, this one openly mocked her victims. That $60 debacle constituted the entirety of our losings for the trip. 

The other lowlight occurred during the U.S./Ghana World Cup game. I was seated in a crowded sports book which proved to be a phenomenal atmosphere. Shelbi opted to hang out by the pool during this time and, in the two short hours when we were separated for the trip, she was invited to the secluded topless pool at our hotel and, after turning down that offer, had a one-hour conversation with an Israeli man who told her many racist tidbits about Muslims. But, moving on, during the soccer game, I had money on two long shots to score the first goal for the U.S. Neither came through although one of my selections botched a one-on-the-goalie chance that a professional soccer player should score 80% of the time. But that didn't matter to me. I just wanted to watch the game surrounded by a huge, energetic crowd. For the most part, I got that. However, there was an obese man directly in front of me who was loudly cheering and fist-pumping every time the U.S. missed a shot or turned the ball over. Now, it's one thing to have money on Ghana. Under the circumstances it was actually a smart bet. However, it's a completely different thing to overtly root against your entire country to win $50. If this guy was sitting in a London pub with $50 riding on Germany, he would have been drawn and quartered for his actions. It was even more despicable than you can imagine.

Hotel Highlights:
The Venetian is insane in about 100 different ways. It was, quite literally, two-thirds of a mile walk from the front lobby to our room. There are complete replicas of Michelangelo's  masterpieces on the ceilings and, as mentioned, an enormous indoor canal winding from one tower to another. I told Shelbi on more than one occasion that I really don't feel like I need to go to Venice now because I'm pretty sure it's exactly like this hotel. Perhaps my favorite moment of each day came each morning. Due to our aforementioned inability to sleep in, we would saunter down to the lobby around 8 a.m. and, without fail, each day the elevator would open and we would be face to face with someone who could barely stand up and who, in all likelihood, would have vomited all over both of us had we stayed in place for five more seconds. These were the people who were just getting back to the hotel from the previous night.

Hotel Lowlights:
Unbeknownst to me when booking the trip, the Venetian also boasts the hottest nightclub in Las Vegas. So, every evening, it looked like a Boeing 747 loaded with sluts exploded in the lobby of our hotel. Also, with multiple bars, trendy restaurants and the topless pool, the Venetian was also a magnet for guys who liked to begin and end every sentence with the word "Bro". So I guess what I loved so much about the hotel was that it completely fit Shelbi's and my style. I also somehow managed to rack up an $80 bill at the poolside bar by ordering just four weak drinks and a plate of nachos.

Surrealism Highlight:
On our final night in Vegas, we opted to not see a show and instead went to a nice dinner. We scouted out one of the nicest of many restaurants in our hotel that Shelbi giddily informed me was a "celebrity haunt." Depending on your definition, I suppose that turned out to be true. As we were looking at the menu to make sure that the prices were only exorbitant as opposed to suicidal, Erik Estrada loudly walked by us and straight into the restaurant, despite what we were told was a two-hour wait to sit inside. Check out the guy's IMDB page sometime and tell me if he's really earned that treatment. We also encountered two soap opera stars (the Daytime Emmy's were apparently in Vegas the next night) and were later informed that Carrie Underwood was having her bachelor party at the attached night club. Shelbi and I were seated outside where the wait was considerably shorter, got a view of the utterly ridiculous Treasure Island pirate show across the seat and had deep-fried Oreos for dessert. 

Surrealism Lowlight: 
Earlier in the trip, we visited Bauman's Rare Books at Shelbi's insistence. It actually turned out to be pretty amazing. Sitting on the table as you enter, free to touch, was an actual copy of Samuel Johnson's original dictionary. That blew my mind. Shelbi was literally in tears at some of the items on display and for sale. As we were about to leave, a woman walked in saying that she heard this store was in possession of mementos from Winston Churchill. One of the employees went into a back room and brought out a few items, diligently and intelligently explaining each of them. One was a letter written to a friend during World War II etc... The customer explained that her husband loved Winston Churchill and, as if she was picking out a candy bar, pointed to one of the letters, hastily cut a check for $1,800 and walked out with it. 

But now we're back and Elliott apparently didn't miss us in the least. He was fantastic as always and had what was probably one of the most fun and action-packed weekends of his 18-month life with Grandma and Grandpa. And I didn't even have to sell his birth certificate to an illegal immigrant to make sure we could still pay our mortgage this month.


Posted by Matthew Sherman at 6/29/2010 8:47 PM
Categories: uncategorized

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